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hello hudson!

Wow, I don't really know you well enough to know where to begin...

I am back in Boulder after a searing week in the desert...I feel kinda
fried. There was some strange stuff flying around in Pheonix. Aside
from the obvious concerete carnival freakshow aspects of the place (
those people are so sick), the kid that I was dropping Enrique off with
got sweet on me and put me into a very a compromising situation. It made
me think a lot about how the world sees Jessica Leigh Evans and I wonder
if anyone actually sees me at all, sometimes. THen I wonder whose fault
that is and whether or not I see myself very clearly...

So I'm driving through El Malpais natl monument in New Mexico (pretty
neat place- lava flows and ice caves- lots of opposites) and I can't
seem to clear my head of all these other peoples voices (no schizophrenia
here- pretty sure). I sat on the edge of a canyon wall overlooking a
huge valley of ancient lava beds, the sun rising quietly in a cloudless
sky, with nothing but ravens to keep me company. I tried to breathe it
all in, clear out all the shit I collect at Penny Lane and everywhere
else and all I could do was cycle through conversations that I've had,
overheard, dreamt up- some reaching back years. I found it impossible to
stop all of these other peoples realities from clouding my own,
especially when completely alone.
So after abandoning the sit, I start driving...lonliness causing the
voices to grow more persistent. (Again I feel it necessary to assert
that I use "voices" for lack of a better word, but I think you know what
I mean). I decide to just haul ass home and run into the wide open (i
imagine) arms of my friends and family. After making this decision, I
see a dirt road stretching off to the right and if the map is correct, it
should connect me with the highway...so I take it. I don't know if
you've ever driven a dirt road in the middle of the desert with a car
that could break down at any moment, but the reality of the 15 miles that
you would have to walk if the car did break down sets in pretty quick.
So I had an exhilirating coupla hours with nothing but me and the road-
white knuckle fear and sheer force of will moving my car over rocks and
ravines. That's what I call using fear, something I'd like to do more
of. Unfortunately, my weird head stuff returned shortly after achieving
the highway...and it still hasn't stopped.

I visited my family in Colorado Springs (dad's mom and his sisters and
all their kids) that night. Mall People. Half alive, unable to take a
close look at anything...judgemental and cruel. It hurt. So I left
them, looking forward to Boulder and found upon arrival that my best
friend had made himself unavailable again (really long story...we'll save
it for a rainy coffee night) and that I really just didn't want to see
anyone else. Parked my car at Chataqua and spent one of my lonliest
nights yet homeless in my hometown.

Next day I get a tatoo on my chest, over my heart and lay there under the
needle marvelling that I literlally can't feel it. It is a sort of
broken heart shaped winged looking thing...hard to describe. I had to
work at Penny Lane that night... Naropa Poetry blahbidyblah, random
people I've never seen lined out the door wanting mochas and freezy
things, air conditioner broken (almost as miserable as Pheonix), STRESS
everywhere and not a friendly face in sight. I look down while blending
a triple mocha freeze and see my new tattoo. Suddenly I realize that I
got the damn thing to freak myself out. So I freaked out. Ran to the
mop closet and vomited until I couldn't anymore. On my hands and knees,
utterly defeated in the back room I felt myself come back into my body.
I know it sounds a little weird but I felt like I had just woken up
(pretty violently) from a long, hard nightmare and brought the scar of my
dark places back with me, stamped on my heart forever. Hudson, I can't
really explain all of this, but for some reason I want to. The lesson
that I will carry on my skin and in my heart is that hindsight isn't
enough.

I'm late for a dinner date, so I have to cut this short. I'm sorry if
this is a litlle hard to read...I don't feel entirely together, thanks
for bearing with me. I'm no good at one night stands either; I like
you too...but I'm not sure how or why or what because I feel pretty
strange right now. Pretty fucking strange- I'm looking out over a trail
of destruction about 8 months long that I've been largely responsible for
and that means I have a lot of laundry to do myself. I don't consider
you a mistake and hope that the massive attempt at communication that you
have just read proves that...Shit I'm really late!


I hope to hear back soon...be well

love jess
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